[TRIP] It helped me conquer my fear.

The fear of heights became an irrational obsession for me, so bad that I was too frightened to even use an escalator in malls/metro stations etc. So imagine what would happen if someone with that level of fear had to travel in mountains.

Last week I went for a trip with my friends to Dharamsala & Dalhousie. It was not my first trip to hills, I have traveled a lot to hill stations, but over a period of time, my fear has grown stronger & stronger only. This time however, to my surprise it was pretty too much and I don’t know why?

I guess if someone is not scared of altitudes, if they don't have fear of heights, then it's really hard to explain them the phobia of height. Because it is...I know it's irrational. They probably believed that they won’t fall, and there is nothing scary about the roads, trek, height etc., but for me, that fear was killing, an almost unbearable feeling that something unusual is waiting at the next turn……… Although I am a very positive person by nature, but I have always feared death.

In Dharamsala, I missed trekking to Bhagsunath falls. At Bhagsunath falls, a deep valley and thin stream of water-fall greeted us. I never ventured near water-fall, instead I spent some time relaxing at the place and enjoyed the beauty while all others except Amit & Aayush, trekked down to the falls. View was really breath taking and I was enjoying taking shots with my handy cam. The way downwards was bit scary for me and I didn’t had enough confidence that I would be able to reach there. So, I preferred not going to falls. But, then some local people told that we can travel to the point from where the falls originate & according to them it was much simple to go there (at least they felt so!!) So, when others came back, I asked them to go for that trek and all agreed. The trek was simple in a way that you do not need to climb up or down this hilly terrain; it was a straight path upwards but dangerously damaged. One foot here or there, u will be welcomed in heaven :-). Then there was a point at slight height which looked really scary, so I preferred staying back and thought of not going beyond that point. But then Sambit also preferred to stay with me; I didn't felt like spoiling his fun 'coz of me, so I went ahead. I somehow managed to cross that point and went a little ahead, soon after that we saw that trek was becoming difficult and we decided to take a back turn. Way back when we reached that deadly point again, I was stuck!! My fear caught me…..The view of sheer height while crossing was enough to ignite jitters. But that's it. I'm not...I couldn't move any forward..... For once I thought I would jump from there. If I was to crawl and shut my eyes….. Oh, no way! I'm not... There is no way in the world I'm going any further than that. I was shouting Mummy save, Mummy save. I was feeling vulnerable and distressed. May be I was making fun of me, or a funny scene for others, but I was helpless. U won't believe but for once I thought of jumping from there. I felt short of energy and breath. But, thanks to Amit, Sambit & Anuj, with whose help I managed to cross that region. After coming back everyone laughed at me...... and even I laughed at myself (as I believe that it is better to laugh at yourself first before anyone laughs at you, by this u are least hurt) and in a lighter spirit chapter closed.

Throughout the trip, there were many places where I was too scared, but the most deadly, dangerous part was, my travel on the last day of our trip from Dalhousie to Khajjiar. Everyone was enjoying the view, but again my phobia trapped me. My heart beat got rapid and I was getting short of breath and that feeling was really awful..... that was as bad as it gets. As we progressed, the process became more and more like torture. When the railings were lower or non-existent it was more frightening. The paths were steep and treacherous. Each new turn brought a whole new wave of gut-wrenching panic. I shouted, I screamed!! Everyone told me to close my eyes, but …….. no nothing, that will not help, fear was in my mind and in my heart, and only way to escape was closing my thought process. So much negativity became a burden to handle. I could not enjoy the view, the snow clad mountains, Himalayan peaks, the valley, the pine tree forest, the nature, nothing. I was literally into tears. At one point of time, I asked my friends to leave me there only & pick me up on return. Throughout that feeling was awful…..

And now, it got so bad, that everything started messing up. I suddenly realized that my fear, my phobia, my weakness was being made fun of!! I felt bad, really very bad. It was hurting me that my own friends are making fun of my weakness. I felt like insulted on my distressed condition. But, I preferred to keep quite. Everyone thought that I was acting like a kid. I could see my phobia being laughed at and I was feeling very terrible and actually very alone and neglected within my own friends. It was a bad emotional state. I was helpless..... really helpless. I started feeling isolated, may be because I was becoming a spoil sport, probably my screams were disturbing everyone’s mood. I could no longer take all this in lighter spirit, but at the same time didn’t want to react..... why to spoil the mood and fun that too in last stage of such an enjoyable trip!! It's easy to ignore tahn react :)

We enjoyed for sometime in Khajjiar. It was a beautiful place and very scenic. But, again I was feeling very ignored there, but ensured that no one should be able to feel that I am getting hurt. I kept myself busy with handycam capturing scenic beauty. Though I was enjoying, but deep inside fear of returning through same path was there.

And then I thought that I will not let my fear come out, I will not allow anyone any longer to make fun of my fears. I have always believed that everything is state of mind and so now I spent few minutes with my inner self and conditioned my mind. I passed strong instructions to my mind to face the fears. I needed to learn to confront my fears. I must not fear. Sometimes the best approach is to be absolutely determined and force one's body to react despite the fear as an act of willpower.

I prayed to my god, also to my reiki god, covered myself with reiki light and made a firm belief that nothing is going to happen. I prayed to god that he has to take care of me and whatever will happen, will happen with his wish. Now I was in complete sink with him. I told myself that, even if I will be scared, I will kill my reactions, my emotions inside. Not even a single scream should come out of me was my affirmation. My belief was strong, my affirmation was strong, my willpower was strong and this time I was strong and committed to face my fears.

And as the cab started, with a grim determination I started turning my rosary within my fingers. I was reminding myself again & again of my affirmations. This time I too was enjoying the view, the mountains, and the snow-clad peaks. The dense pine forest I feared while going up, but this time I stared them back and said I no longer fear you. I saw every turn, every trail, in face of which I was scared. Though my phobia didn’t leave me completely, but at least I was not awful, especially for others. In several places I just closed my eyes and hoped for the best when we negotiated the twists. Soon, we were back in Dalhousie. The journey that was an unending torture while going looked so small at the time of return.

It was good. I overpowered my fear. I was no longer feeling hurt because of my friends’ attitude, as that only helped me conquer my fears!!!!!!!!

“Whatever happens happens for the best!!”